Why Can't I Be Like That?

Insecurities. We all have them right? We’re too much of this or are too little of that. We don’t have it or we do have it and despise it. Can’t win!

I think insecurities are normal, we all have them and it’s one thing we can all relate to having or have had. However, there’s a fine line and when they begin to take a hold it’s time to take hold of the reigns once more. What a cheese….

So, let’s talk insecurities. My biggest insecurity is not being good enough, or being too boring, or being anything but good. The interesting thing about an insecurity is that it’s created because of our visualisation of ourselves or things that another has said in the past. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to downplay insecurities because they can be one of the biggest pains.

“I’m really insecure about the way I look topless, I have quite bad back and chest acne and I struggle a lot even with changing my t-shirt around my friends. I always dread going away to a hot country where I’d be with my top off in the pool. I wanted to share my personal feelings as boys don’t usually get the time of day to talk about their insecurities. The other day I turned down going to the beach with all of my friends because I just wouldn’t have been able to hang around topless.”

Hearing other people’s stories has always helped me with my own personal struggles, just being able to relate to another being makes all of the difference sometimes. Social media especially, helps us to pick and choose what we post online, and most of the time it’s the highlight reel, not the cut-outs. Keep that in mind, next time you believe that someone is leading a perfect life from what you see online.

“My main insecurity is that I feel like I’m never good enough no matter what I do. I never feel like people are proud of me, and at the same time I never want to disappoint anyone. It’s a constant battle of feeling shit about myself and beating myself up over not completing or passing things. Being in a toxic relationship was the worst because I was never good enough. I’m still rebuilding friendships one/two years later after cutting people off.”

However, social media DID help me for this post. I was able to speak to people and hear their insecurities and how those insecurities have affected their lives and mentality. Some of these are a real eye-opener and actually makes you think before you judge or pass a comment. Thank you very much to those that contacted me.

“I’ve suffered really badly with acne since I was around 13, and that’s when things became difficult. I’m 20 now and I still struggle and I now have scars alongside the spots. I dread the day that I end up in a long term relationship and he wants me to spend the night at his place because I know I won’t be able to keep my make-up on or hide scars from previous break outs. I think platforms like Instagram have a lot to answer for. It affects the clothes I buy because I’m aware of my scars, if I do get a break out I’m worried about people making fun of it. Someone called me a rice crispie cake once because of the way my skin looked, it’s really affected the way I think people will view me.”

What you feel most insecure about could be what somebody else is jealous of, admires or loves. Just because one person has made a negative comment, doesn’t mean that’s how it is. The most frustrating thing is that we’ll easily believe a negative comment but struggle to begin to accept a positive comment made about ourselves.

“I guess I started realising my flaws when I was in year 11, plus stress didn’t help. I suffered from mild anorexia so I guess that’s how it’s affected me. In my opinion, I have fat thighs, a fat belly. I’m ugly and I don’t have a nice bum or boobs. I wouldn’t ever say this to anyone else because I don’t see it on them but I don’t like me.”

For a long time, I really struggled with anxiety and most of it was social anxiety, when I look back on it. One thing I’ve learnt since slowly overcoming that is that social or human interaction is core to human happiness, we can’t be fully happy if we live in isolation completely separated from those around us.

“So my biggest insecurity is not being good enough for people or failure. I’ve always been a people pleaser and so the idea of not doing right by someone or letting someone down terrifies me. I’m scared of not being good enough for people and I’m always comparing myself to others thinking that I’m not as good as them or less smart or less funny etc. And so I’m always scared of trying to better myself for others and not staying true to myself and becoming someone that isn’t me in order to relate or to please others.”

My favourite quote to back this is “Happiness is only real when shared” by Christopher McCandless, comparing myself to a year ago where I’d avoid any interaction with a stranger to now honestly proves this too. Cut long story short, I’ve seen a massive improvement in my happiness.

“Body image is a big thing for me. When scrolling through Instagram, it can make you feel bad when you see other people looking the way you want to be. Especially when boys concentrate on a big bum, tiny waist and big boobs. I try to avoid wearing cropped tops and I feel uncomfortable wearing a bikini because I feel like my body is wrong.”

Funnily enough, our insecurities when it comes to another person, whether it’s about your appearance or your personality, stem from us trying (but failing, honestly!!!) to do other people’s thinking for them.

“One insecurity would be how I look. Obviously I’m really tall and thin. I’ve chosen to buy/wear long sleeve tops and shirts over t shirts. It’s made me insecure in my relationship and weary of my partner. I know it’s pathetic and they wouldn’t do anything but once an idea pops in to my head it’s hard to get rid of.”

How do we actually know without evidence? We don’t! Don’t let the negative comments from past people – who are idiots by the way – control your present and future.

“I’m super insecure of my self harm scars on my body. Whenever I meet someone, a new guy for example, I won’t sleep with them for so long and it’s actually made guys stop speaking to me or because I want the lights off when we are sleeping together. I just feel like they’ll judge me and think less of me because of it.”

Thank you to the BEAUTIFUL people who helped contribute to this post, you are brave and inspiring and incredible <3.

Ciao for now x

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Wellbeing writer, host for The Inspired Narrative podcast and mental health support worker.