What's Wrong With Me?

I am very aware that most of what I write about is based on personal experience, and I have a valid reason for it. I believe by sharing our own experiences, we can individually make such a huge difference and help one another.

Please note, the text in quotation marks are the responses of anonymous respondents from a survey I made.

In the past, I was always a very insecure person (something I’m yet to rid of but, I’m slowly learning to accept and love me for me), after every negative experience I’d always put the blame on myself.

Whether a person looked at me the wrong way, someone was down right rude or if I was rejected in any way – I was the first to blame myself.

“The definition for person is being regarded as an individual. Myself personally, has to be whilst friends have gone on and picked on another. People would be mocking this person and I’d at the start having nothing to do with it, but then, the situation always seemed to me having the last word. Of course I felt at the start to do all that as to feel as though I was a part of the higher power or to feel as though an alpha. But, instantaneously, I feel like a boulder has landed on my stomach soon after. Not even 2 minutes pass and straight away I feel as though I am at the bottom and worse than a sheep. I feel like a worm, who wants to be a worm? It’s the fact, people feel as though they need to please others, the other alphas. It should not be that way. It’s sickening but it’s the way the whole world is. But, the sickening thing about it is that it’s our choice. When we do wrong it’s only us, ourselves which can be accountable for it. I have recently noticed how much everyone in groups change towards their friends. I watch and analyse as every singular person has changed their personality so they can fit in. What I don’t understand is that – why do people feel as though they can’t fit in with them being themselves? I don’t want to be in a room with all the same people. Straight away I think it’s wrong to be anything other than the true meaning of PERSON. So l, personally, I think everyone nowadays struggle to be their own person and I think that is something which is wrong with the whole world. It shouldn’t be difficult to be yourself, yourself is the best you you could possibly be.”

I’d get upset and continuously question what was wrong with me. Was I really that bad of a person? What is wrong with me?

I’m pretty sure, unfortunately, we’ve all experienced this at some point in our lives right?

“I cried after getting humiliated in work by a male customer who told me to “smile stop looking so miserable” and my manager just basically told me to man up and that I just should’ve said “f**k off” to him, however I’ve always been told that customer service skills are upmost important so I wasn’t aware that I was allowed to swear & how could I have man upped when I had been humiliated in front of other customers?”

Even as I’m sat here tonight, the evening before my first shift at a new job that I will be beginning tomorrow, I can recognise myself going back over previous negative experiences.

Unsurprisingly, I can feel the fear creeping up and therefore making me believe I’ll have a dreadful experience with this job. Why?

“Over the Summer I’ve tried to reach out to people and meet up/catch up but it’s never amounts to anything, this has happened with multiple people and it really makes me feel bad about myself. I can’t remember the last time anyone reached out to me despite them knowing about my mental health problems, it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me since EVERYONE, has done this. I still feel this way and it’s gotten so bad now that even if someone was to reach out to me I don’t think it would improve how I’m feeling. It makes the situation worse knowing that my friends meet up without me. The only thing I can see that I’ve possibly done ‘wrong’ to make them act in this way is that I have been open about my mental health, and I feel as if that has pushed them away. It’s a horrible situation to be in.”

Because I’m too sensitive, or I’m too boring, or I’ll make loads of mistakes, or I’m too shy, or I’m too chatty, or my new colleagues won’t like me, or I won’t make any friends. Because there’s something wrong with me as a person, right?

“After I found out my boyfriend cheated on me, felt worthless, how could one person make me feel so down about myself. Asking myself am I that bad of a person !?”

Luckily, I am now able to differentiate what’s ‘real’ and what isn’t. I’m nervous and a little scared to start and my mind is coming up with so-called evidence to back these feelings up. However, this ‘evidence’ is far from relevant when it’s not evidence from this job. It’s evidence from a job almost two years ago.

“Isolation – during the winter months and as late as the spring snows of 2018, I had no reason to leave the house due to cancellations due to snow etc. and so I didn’t. This was a downward spiral especially as it was nothing too invasive that ruined my few months. I have had a penchant of repressing all emotion I’ve felt since I was 12. Even now I haven’t cried for 11 years yet I feel that my emotions are pent up. While I often can cope with anything and seem incredibly laid back, the littlest inconvenience can tip me into a downward spiral of depression and misery”

Life is a beautiful journey, nevertheless, we do encounter bad throughout our time – that’s what makes us appreciate the good. Life is more good than it is bad, but the bad has to arise in order to remind us what’s good.

We’re always going to come across both good and bad people – each that teach us lessons. There’ll be some we like and some we don’t and some that like us or some that don’t.

“Honestly, most of the time. Any time I’m in any group situation as i don’t feel they are my friends and feel like they don’t want me there. Anytime someone says something as a joke like call me a “slut” or whatever. I do get it that it is a joke but sometimes it gets too much as they use it so many times. I feel there’s something wrong with me every time i look in the mirror as I don’t see the perfect body or a pretty face. In exams or school I feel there’s something wrong with me because I always think of the answer a few seconds after the rest of the class. Or when I get results and my parents compare me to my very younger sister I feel there’s something wrong with me. Jokes can sometimes go too far and I don’t think some people know when to stop so pretending everything is fine when they really aren’t is easier most times.”

What you send out you attract – ‘life is like an echo, what you send out comes back’. When you expect every new opportunity to go wrong, every friend to leave you, or a partner to treat to horribly, you’re unknowingly setting very low standards for each person that comes in to your life.

“I think the countless times when I was made (indirectly if I’m being kind) to feel ‘other’ and fat by my friends back in the day when I actually took shit, I remember one occasion years ago when I was talking about fancying a high waisted bikini (to cover up my rolls aka insecurity even tho I really wasn’t even that fat) and my skinniest friend said something along the lines of how you have to be really quite skinny to pull it off and she either said or the implication was heavy that “even she” couldn’t pull one off.”

When a person then treats you wrongly you place the blame on yourself because you’ve come up with the conclusion that there is something wrong with you, yourself.

Take a moment and just step back from all of that. Could it be that this person is jealous? Are they, unfortunately, just a very unkind human being?

“When someone doesn’t see things working out in a relationship, it’s as if it’s my fault, what is wrong with me?”

Trust me, I get it, it’s unrealistic and very much impossible to be positive Polly about everything in life, especially the pain we endure. Sometimes all we can do for the sake of our own health is to accept and carry on.

“I was in a situation recently which made me feel like there was something wrong with me as a person. I kept feeling really anxious and self conscious thinking I’d done or said something wrong. I was trying my hardest to try and be patient and considerate of others. However still felt there was something wrong I was away for a weekend with a group of 11 of us! It made me feel very anxious awkward and a real sense of guilt like it was my problem!”

I think we tend to forget just how strong we are inside. We will always win the war against the bad. Let it tear you down, but don’t let it keep you there, never.

Stop expecting things to go a certain way because of the negative belief you have regarding who YOU are. If you’re a good person, you’re a good person, period.

Whatever’s happened in the past, if you’ve made a change regarding yourself in order to become a better person, PLEASE stop punishing yourself.

“I recall a situation a fortnight ago,I was visiting one of my best mates who had come back from working abroad. Though I had looked forward massively to it and was so amazingly glad to see this person again, the anxiety I was going through made me lash out on more than one occasion. Though we talked it over later on and my mate said they didn’t even think I seemed that bad, and that we were fine, I still felt bloody awful about it. This person was my best mate, and I had behaved, in my mind, horrendously around them. Honestly it was only talking it over that. I’m still working against this anxiety and me and this mate are still talking, but that particular occasion still stands out in my mind as a situation where I sat down and thought to myself ‘What the Hell is wrong with you?!’”

We all, are SO worthy of life and it’s great opportunities. From experience, I promise you not every person you come across is bad, and not every opportunity will be negative for you.

When they are, it’s never ever to do with you as a person. You are you and that’s just beautiful.

Any issues anybody else has against you is THEIR problem, not yours.

Ciao for now x

Instagram – @BloggingWithGwen

Twitter – @GwenJones26

Facebook – Blogging With Gwen

Pinterest – @BloggingWithGwen

Posted by

Wellbeing writer, host for The Inspired Narrative podcast and mental health support worker.